2008 Woodie Awards
I'm right, you're wrong
Bear vs. Tiger: The end-all showdown of zoological proportions
Jesse Aranda and Daniel Congrave
Issue date: 12/10/04 Section: Opinion
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Opinions Editor
I sometimes envy how simple life must be when you live in the bliss of ignorance that my Amish-bearded cohort is coated in. He was wrong in his past effort to prove what he thinks was a winning argument in the question of Lucas' right to alter his prized masterpiece. Again he returns to feed you more well-meaning but clueless "logic."
Bear versus a tiger. What a pointless argument. The clear winner would be the bear. I mean, think about it; you have a hulking bear with mountains of strength against a cat a fraction of its size. His main argument (not entirely sure, since I rarely pay attention to him) is probably something about the tiger's speed and agility winning the day for him.
I can assure you this is not the case. Sure, the bear cannot match the speed of the tiger, but who says the bear needs to be fast? Whoever makes the first move is the person who loses the fight. While the tiger charges hastily toward the his opponent, the bear stands calmly and waits.
Once he makes that leap toward the bear, it will all be over. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know someone in mid-air is unable to change his course and is, essentially, defenseless. This is all it takes to end the match. Tigers leap forward to attack. Bears slash with their claws from either the side or overhand.
Believe me, one slash is all it takes to put the tiger down and from there it's only a matter of the bear finishing his opponent with a flurry of slashes or bites. Seriously, no contest here.
Congrave knows there's no comparing physical prowess between the two, so he tries to contest intelligence. How anyone can claim bears are not intelligent is beyond me.
I can't begin to count the times I've seen bears outsmart Ranger Smith and pilfer the pic-a-nic baskets of the friendly visitors of Jellystone National Park.
Then there's the "proof" he flaunts proving his point. I'm, of course, talking about his reference of Baloo vs. Shere Kahn in "The Jungle Book." Honestly, that fight should never have occurred. It's pretty illogical to see the a bear in a jungle. The only place you can see a bear versus a tiger legitimately is on Pokemon or here in the pages of the Impact's "You're Right and I'm Wrong"(Though, this argument was highly protested and prevented for some time).
All I can say now is; at this point the contest is not even close. The bear wins hands down. The only hope for the tiger is in the hands of the teenage mutant-creating substance called mutagen. Now a teenage mutant bear versus a teenage mutant tiger...now that's a match that will bring in serious money for Pay-Per-View.
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Daniel Congrave
No Limits Editor
There are many great battles throughout time, Ali vs. Frasier, Jesse vs. Congrave, the Oakland Raiders vs. Talent, and the Maloofs vs. the Sacramento City Council. Earlier in the semester we brought you "I'm Right, You're Wrong: 'Star Wars.'" After half of a semester of deliberating and delay, Jesse and I were finally able to come up with another topic we were deeply torn on. It's one of the great battles for the ages, a Grizzly Bear vs. a Siberian Tiger in a 15-foot steel cage.
My colleague would lead you to believe that the bear would win, but he's wrong. In fact, I have reason to believe the bear paid Jesse to write in his favor. Regardless, I can assure you I have received no payment from the tiger to argue in his favor.
A tiger could easily beat a bear in a no-hold-barred brawl, because the bear is slow, too big, and too confident. The tiger isn't scared of the big, bad grizzly bear. The tiger has speed and agility, plus the tiger's size plays to its advantage as it makes it harder to catch.
Before I get into the logistics of the actual fight, I have to take a moment to speak from personal experience. In my many summers off in the mountains, I've dealt with bears in the wild. Maybe not a grizzly bear, but a bear nonetheless, and bears are pussies. I could scare off a bear by throwing a beer can at it...wait; I have scared off a bear by chucking a beer can at it.
Now, on the other hand, if I experienced a tiger in the wild, I'd be scared. I know plenty about bears, but tigers would just freak me out. I wouldn't know what to do to scare off a tiger.
Anyway, to fully grasp this epic battle, we must go back and look into the past for other bear vs. tiger battles. The first and only previous battle that comes to mind is the battle between tiger Shere Khan and bear Baloo in "The Jungle Book." As we can see, the tiger beat the bear with ease, and was ready to pounce for the kill, until outside interference from Mowgli attacking Shere Khan with a branch with fire on it. This is why we've decided to put this match in a steel cage, to prevent outside interference.
Without the interference, the tiger can finally finish what Shere Khan started and take out the bear and settle this battle once and for all.
The only way this match could become even better is a way both Jesse and I agree on, injecting them with mutagen and letting them mutate like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then we bring in a six-foot tall rat to teach them both the ninja arts. And then we can have the greatest of all battles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Bear vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tiger.